Today I want to write down my recent thoughts on Fourier Analysis. Over the past two years, you can hardly discuss Fourier Analysis without hearing Hong Wang's name.

My feelings toward her are somewhat complicated.

On one hand, deep down I envy what she has achieved. Because I believe everything would be different if I had the same opportunities she did, moving up through the school system quickly and having parents who are high school teachers. Maybe I would have been the one to solve that famous conjecture.

On the other hand, I can't stop spying on her life to see what she is doing right now. It is as if knowing every detail of her path to success would help me catch up with her.

I read a post that made sense: a person's academic life is closely tied to the research field they stand in. And mathematics depends heavily on inheritance. These days, trying to make your way alone through the dark sea of modern mathematics seems impossible, the only outcome is drowning. The traditional approach of learning from books or papers now seems outdated, because by the time someone assemble their tools into a book, the method is already far behind. An elite mathematician has to figure out early what they want to pursue and listen to advice from professors who are the most expert in that area. It will take you 10 more years to unravel your research and move step by step toward your dream.

I also notice that I no longer feel upset or stressful by these big news, that's something the old me never would have believed. The truth is, I'm just tired. Or to put it another way, I've given up this whole thing, the eternal competition, wanting to be the best, wanting to be liked by my advisor, wanting to be admired by others.

I'm pretty sure I could live a decent, worry-free life even if I left math behind. And my passion has faded to the point where it's no longer worth sacrificing my entire life for it.

Of course I still love math, yes, truly love it. But I also want to be myself, to do math without any distracting thoughts, just let time go by, with my mom and my birds keeping me company. That's the thing that brings me the most joy.

Hard as it is to admit, I've grown out of being that little girl who had nothing but math in her heart and clung to it like her only savior. I want to learn English well and own a small estate with a lawn, a river outside my backyard, where we can just sit on the hill and breathe the slightly damp night air.

When did I change? I honestly don't know. But I do remember a time when I once had unfailing passion for math. I was jealous of anyone better than me. I tried to deat them and be the best. Yet somehow, the harder I pushed, the further math slipped away from me, until it became nothing more than a high-school exam. Math should be beautiful, so beautiful that it lifts you above your worries, makes you feel weightless. Not this, not something that sinks your heart into a quagmire and turns you into a wretch filled with jealousy and regret.

But for now, and for the foreseeable future, I will most likely still walk the academic path, only this time, no more fixating on frustrations, but with more room for beauty alone the way.

Walk slow, stay eager, and find the treasure.